Dear Professor Blackstone,
I would like to formally introduce myself as a student in your class. My name is Qiu Yu Xiong, and I am currently matriculated at Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT) in Sustainable Infrastructure Engineering (Building services). I was previously also an engineering student, majoring in aeronautical studies. After graduating from Ngee Ann Polytechnic with a diploma in aerospace electronics, I looked towards SIT for an engineering degree program. However, I do look forward to giving my best efforts in pursuing my dream of being an engineer in this field of work.
I served my nation as a military policeman in the Singapore Armed Forces detention barracks. Throughout my tour of duty, I faced numerous daunting challenges. Though I suffered and struggled through most of it, I am glad to have my close friends who were there to encourage me.
My goals in SIT are to learn all the essentials skills and pick up relevant knowledge to aid me in my future endeavor to become a professional engineer. I believe the holistic curriculum provided by SIT can nurture me and equip me with the analytical skills to develop me to the fullest potential to become an engineer. I have always dreamt of pursuing a career as an engineer.
On the topic of weakness I find it difficult to express myself at times due to the fact that I consider myself an introvert. Whenever I am required to present my work, I tend to stutter and find myself reading off the slides more often than not. My weakness to confidently give speeches and presentations to a large crowd often affected my grades during tertiary studies.
On the topic of weakness I find it difficult to express myself at times due to the fact that I consider myself an introvert. Whenever I am required to present my work, I tend to stutter and find myself reading off the slides more often than not. My weakness to confidently give speeches and presentations to a large crowd often affected my grades during tertiary studies.
On the other hand, I do fare better in contributing to group works and consider myself a great team player. I enjoy working in a group because ideas flow and develop better when there are a few minds to it. One other positive quality I possess is I work towards being punctual in every aspect. I tend to accomplish my assignments way before they are due as I have always believed to not put till tomorrow what can be done today.
Enrolling in SIT made me determined to step out of my comfort zone and embrace the aspects of standing out. I look forward to developing myself into a competent engineer with a spectrum of skills and professionalism in SIT. Through this effective communication module, I hope to strengthen and polish my command of English and excel in communicating fluently.
Thank you.
Yours sincerely,
Qiu Yu Xiong
SIE Group 1
Edited 11 September 2017
Edited 20 September 2017
Read Shi Lei's blog post
Read Reginald's blog post
Read Ronvin's blog post
SIE Group 1
Edited 11 September 2017
Edited 20 September 2017
Read Shi Lei's blog post
Read Reginald's blog post
Read Ronvin's blog post
Hi Yu Xiong
ReplyDeleteThrough this self introduction letter, it makes me understand more about you such as your educational background, strengths and weaknesses of communication skills. I understand that you served your national service in a SAF detention barrack and it would be the last place i want to land myself in, I believe that you seen and dealt with people from all kinds in the barrack and it is not an easy task.
As for the letter, generally the content is well structured and easy to read. It is a good effort to separate the strength and weakness paragraphs and also gave examples for the readers to relate.
However, there are some pointers that you can further improve and refine.
1. in your first paragraph, i do not think that you should add "due to the fact that I did not perform well academically." as i do not think its necessary.
2. In your last paragraph, "I look forward to developing myself" i think you can change developing to develop.
As a whole, the use of english is fluent and acceptable.
Cheers
Poh Shi Lei
Hi Yu Xiong,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your post and I understand how you have became a stronger person after going through much obstacles during the army days. I have been to SAF DB several times for visiting purpose so maybe you can enlighten me on my curiosity when we meet?
As for your letter, the content is easy to understand and read. Separating the points would allow readers to understand the points clearer.
However, I believe there are some areas that you can improve on.
1. Include (SIT) after "Singapore Institute of Technology" in paragraph 1 as I notice that you use SIT in the subsequent paragraphs.
2. Maybe you could end on a positive note by thanking the reader at the end of the letter.
3. The last sentence " I also hope to " could have a better phrasing such as "At the same time, I would hope that".
However, I do feel that the use of english is easy to acceptable. I hope that I could see you present with more confident in time to come. All the best!
Cheers,
Ronvin Tan
Dear Yu Xiong,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this highly detailed and interesting formal letter. I like the way you paint a vivid picture of your background as well as your impassioned interest in engineering.
I also am intrigued by the reference you make to your time in NS. However, you don't actually provide concrete detail on what made the work there 'dark times.' This section could be illuminated by a specific example/explanation.
In contrast, you are very specific in terms of the explanation you give for both your communication strength and weakness. This section is well done. And you detail your overall goals for studying engineering at SIT. But the letter assignment specifically requests that you explain what you would like to accomplish this term in SIE2016. Could you add that?
In terms of language use, this letter is fluent. However, there are some areas to take note of:
1) Throughout my tour of duty, I faced numerous daunting challenges in which I have to overcome. >>> (sentence structure)
2) Many of which came during the early stages of my service. >>>(sentence fragment)
3) I am glad I have my close friends who were there to encourage and support me through the dark times. >>> (verb tense inconsistency)
4) I have always dream ... >>> (word form)
5) I enjoy working as a group... >>> (wrong word: Are you a group?)
6) I tend to accomplish all my assignments way beforehand as I have always believe to not put till tomorrow what can be done today. >>> (phrasing)
I tend to accomplish my assignments way before they are due as I have always believeD to not put till tomorrow what can be done today.
This critique should not eclipse the strengths of this post.
I appreciate your effort.
Brad
Dear Professor Blackstone,
DeleteI would like to sincerely thank you for your response and feedback. I have looked into the areas you have pointed out and made the necessary changes.Through the changes made, I have also learnt how to express certain words correctly and structure my sentences properly.
My English proficiency and vocabulary has always been limited causing this to be my weakest language ever since. Therefore, I am adamant to improving my English writing skills.
Thank you.
Yours Sincerely,
Qiu yu xiong